Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
