Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
