well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
