My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
