nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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