Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
