Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
