Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
