The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
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