Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
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I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
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