i always forget guys have bellybuttons
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Randomize
