Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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