I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
