you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
