my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Randomize
