theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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