I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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