remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
