how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
