I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
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you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
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I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
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