i think my tv is drunk
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
Randomize
