Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
