I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
