if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
