last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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