So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
i dont even know how to be here
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
