I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
