I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize