On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
