New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
