I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
