the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
