If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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