ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
