Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Randomize
