I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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