Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
