what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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