From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
