I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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