I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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