goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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