he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Randomize
