Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
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