if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
What drink are we having for lunch?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You need Xanax blowdarts
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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