he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
