i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
