Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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