if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
