I want to stick my p in your. b.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
