I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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