Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
