well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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