The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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