Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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