I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
