I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
He felt like a one man threesome
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
