i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
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The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
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I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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