Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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