I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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