I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
You ate ashes out of my bong
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
